Question #1: How do I handle multiple dating?
Question #2: When does commitment begin?
Question #3: What’s the time line?
Question #4: When do you say I love you?

The short version: all of these questions boil down to promises vs. commitment. A promise is what someone says they are going to do. I talk about how to tell love from a crush (it’s easy) and how these questions become very easy when taken from the promises vs. commitment perspective.

A note on time lines - when two people are in sync their isn’t a huge disparity between what the two people want and the actions back that up. You can’t rush it but if you’ve been dating someone for five years and you aren’t living together, no formal relationship, no signs of progressing…that’s not working if one person wants to get married. There is a reason why the relationship isn’t progressing. Real love grows, it becomes stronger over time due to the situations life presents you.

And a note on saying I love you - never rush it. Falling into a deeper state of love is fun…enjoy it.

Grab the podcast (right-click/save as)

*I apologize for the hum in the podcast. Getting a new mic this week….*

An Introduction to pTickle

I’m.So.Not.Typing.The.Title.Of.This.

I’m.So.Not.Typing.The.Title.Of.This. Part II

pTickle is going to be a site for men about men…but you know women are going to check it out too (like ya’ll can resist). Here ya go - a clip from his new site that hopefully will be launched new week. Enjoy!

Don’t ask me, I have no idea. Seriously, I didn’t ask.

Anyway, he’s working on two mini-projects and he needs questions about anything. Not personal questions like “Scrivs, why do you dress like that?”. General questions about ANYTHING. Life, love, sex, cats, weather, fashion, health, cars, games, food, entertainment, travel…you get the point. Variety people…not 1000 love/romance questions.

Hit up the comments. You know what to do.

1) Today would have been my grandmother’s birthday. Happy B-Day Mother. I miss you. I love you.
2) We’ll be doing a Streamcast going through 9rules submissions tomorrow (Wednesday) at 9pm EST. We won’t be going through them all and we won’t be publicizing the blogs we are viewing but you should have a good time watching our reactions and hearing the feedback. Bring a drink, some food, get comfy and join us (haha, I hope that is the correct link. I’ll update it if it changes).

Ok, on with the entry….and because I’m in the mood….relationships!

It’s the Olympics and I always think of my ex during this time and it is ironic that I came across some old stuff regarding him. He was my first love. Well, let’s have fun - let’s go back to November 14, 1982. I had an assignment (I was attending a religious school): would you engage in premarital sex, yes or no and why or why not? Here is part of my response (click on the image to read a larger portion of the essay - I didn’t want to take up too much space in the entry):

By the time I left their church the first day I knew he liked me because in his own subtle way (without disrespecting our mutual friend) he made it very clear. He slid me notes - looking back it was very cute. Many times after that the three of us hung out together in church. It wasn’t until I was grown that I found out she was playing match-maker.

The point is that in his own way he let me know how he felt and didn’t let anything or anyone stand in the way. No boy could begin to compare to that at age 7 and after we’d been together for awhile the bond between us grew making it very hard for other boys to compete. He established a connection with me that went beyond the physical and that’s how he won. It had nothing to do with his looks and that is why the unattractive guy can get the hot looking model. Women value the men that form a connection with us. We don’t pick the people we love. Why do you think people fall in love with people they “shouldn’t” or our first loves (when we followed our hearts completely) seem to be when we were young (in school)? The more time you spend with someone the more you can get to know them without the distractions being in social settings or sex can bring. Because the person is someone you “shouldn’t” be attracted to you interact and get to know the person, the connection builds and next thing you know you’re in deep.

A couple of years later, when he was training for the Olympics I made some promises to him so he wouldn’t be worried about me back home (there are 15 promises - click on the image if you dare to read them all):

His assertiveness won me over but I had to bring my own assertiveness as well. It wasn’t easy for him to express his feelings for me nor was it easy to keep things together when we were apart but I never wanted him to regret his decision in picking me. Rejection from the person you love hurts like hell but the unknown hurt more for us than not seeing things through. I kept my promise, even when I thought he was dead. I never moved on completely until I found him and once I did, I was able to shut the door and move on.

What happened to us? We allowed other people’s opinions to matter in our relationship. In the end, we stopped listening to each other and let other people’s opinions matter over what we felt. It threw everything off course. The truth? I was the suburb girl and he was the inner city guy. His friends were jealous that he “upgraded” because his life was changing into the life they wished they had. Looking back I know now that the solution would have been for us to go elsewhere neutral instead of waiting until he could return home but our naivety didn’t see that as a real option because home was home to us. However, there were negative influences in both of our lives that needed to end and those outside negative influences/behaviors ended up ripping our relationship apart…and we let it happen by letting “noise” (outside influence) drown out our own voices. We allowed our connection to die.

If you’re lucky enough to have a true connection with someone (and you’ll know because it lasts over time) focus on yourselves and explore what is there - alone. It’s no one elses business. When you have a connection with someone it is no longer a “me” thing, it is a “we” thing.

And remember: when you have a connection with someone you already have a relationship - so you might as well explore it as couples do. Definition of relationship: a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey

The men watched TJ’s part and thought about football, the house, the money, the basketball court, etc. The women were clearly thinking, “I wish I had a guy like that” or “why aren’t you like that?”. Both were thinking about security to a degree but two different forms. The guys felt that if they had the money TJ did the women would be happy. The women were saying the money could be there but if the same behaviors resided it would probably make things worse. Emotional security is more important to them than financial security. Honestly, without emotional security money will make problems worse.

Looking at the video I saw a man that obviously loves his wife and children very much. So much he couldn’t stop talking about them and their personalities were integrated in their home. There isn’t a gray area on his feelings for his wife – his actions match his words. His wife, without a doubt, knows how much he loves her. That is what most women want, they want that type of emotional security. When that type of security is in place their insecurities subside. Wanna watch porn? Sure, I know he loves me. He has female friends? Fine, because he’ll make it clear to them he loves me and keeps it platonic. Traveling? Ok, I know he won’t cheat because our family is too important to him. Going to the club? Sure, he’ll tell the other chicks to step if they do or say something inappropriate.

See, women typically fall in love and become highly vested. The other men get the boot or are told the score, she will pick spending time with her man over others (not necessarily agreeing with this one – that can lead to clingy), won’t cheat, etc. That is why many relationships don’t work out because the two people are on different planes. If there is a need to keep another woman as a backup how can a guy expect the woman he claims to love to trust him? But that is what happens isn’t it? One of the ladies who watched the show went off on her boyfriend because he said he loved her but couldn’t tell a female “friend” of his feeling for her. Um, why not? That’s a problem.

A problem that money would only make worse.

Let’s be clear – everyone has shit in their lives. Things they aren’t proud off, things they need to straighten out, etc. The point in a couple moving forward together is that they can accept each other’s shit and move past it. That’s the difference between someone being there for a season and someone there for a lifetime. Sure, there might be a period of anger that might last a day or two but the point is: the person isn’t going anywhere.

I was having a conversation with someone about the video and the person basically said that money means more and accepting less is a downgrade. For me, I’d be “downgrading” money and upgrading emotional stability. Money didn’t keep my parents together, their parents, none of the people I know that have money but it sure as hell caused them a ton of problems - because the stability wasn’t there in the first place.

For me, I always wanted the money to come AFTER the marriage. I’ve said it many times that I want to build something WITH my future husband so that together, we can look back on what we have (created together) and be proud of what we accomplished. A healthy and happy family outweighs bling to me. Being secure emotionally means 1000x more than bling. I want to go through the struggles with the man I love – it’s a part of life. Unfortunately, most men (let’s be honest, I haven’t met one that didn’t think this yet) think I want to skip past that part to the money, being rich and doing whatever I want part.

I grew up with wealth and I know money can create more problem than it resolves.

When I feel like it. I’m serious, I don’t have a set number.

When I was growing up, when someone retired they quit their job and never worked again. Today things are very different. The retirement age is higher, people are able to work longer and more important (being realistic) people have to work longer to survive.

But those things have nothing to do with why I don’t have a set age for retirement.

I’m not the kind to retire, sit on my ass and do nothing. I’m not a workaholic like Oprah…I guess I’m more like Dave Winer in this regard. He has the wealth (it seems) to not have to work but still dabbles in different projects. I think most people have an unrealistic view of retirement. The common image that comes to mind is relaxing, enjoying the world, life with little problems or worries. That is not what most people experience when they retire and I intend to enjoy life right now.

Have you noticed wealthy people don’t retire? I noticed this when I worked in the accounting field. Unless born into money the wealthy don’t have a problem working and actually enjoy it. I learned through experience that with increased wealth comes increased responsibilities, obligations and expenses. Fortunately for the wealthy, they usually don’t mind dabbling in new projects. It’s how they created their wealth in the first place - with a strong desire for success.

I guess a better question for me is when do I hope to be in a position where financially, I no longer have to worry about expenses? I’m getting close to the number…I better get cracking, huh?

The connection eventually wins out Tyme. I cannot speak for the ladies but men crave the connection. When we get it we might hesitate for a while but the connection does eventually win.

Let’s talk about a “connection” for a minute. First, let’s define a connection:

• the act or state of connecting.
• the state of being connected.
• association; relationship

A connection isn’t one sided. If there is a connection both people feel it.

Whaaa?

Yeah, I said it. Connections aren’t one sided. If a man has a connection with a woman it is because…

wait. for. it…

The woman has a connection with him as well.

Which is why “the connection always wins because men crave it” statement makes no sense. If the man feels a connection with a woman he’s already in the door, she has a connection to him as well. If he opts out in acting on it, then he is essentially closing the connection and the door to the relationship. There isn’t much she can do if the guy ignores the connection.

Because it takes two to tango.

The flip happens as well where the woman might opt to not pursue things. Men aren’t always at fault, just most of the time.

My point: if a guy feels a connection to a woman most likely she feels a connection as well. If he knows when she’s upset, frustrated, happy, etc. she most likely can sense the same things in him. If he’s thinking she’s hot she’s probably thinking the same in return. If he’s desiring her like no other she’s probably desiring him as well. If he’s crying on the inside how can someone with a connection be happy? That’s what makes it a connection: being “connected” they can go through just about anything together because breaking the connection doesn’t feel right. They always find their way back to each other no matter how much pain, frustration, etc. they overcome (how else do couples get to “death do us part?”).

And that is where the problem lies with the person who opts not to act on the connection no matter what the reasoning is. The gut reaction should be to hold on to the connection not dismiss it because a connection like that might not ever come again. There is no reason not to act on the connection. True all connections/relationships don’t last forever but nothing in this life does. Treasure the good times and see where it goes. That’s the real question: is the reason why the person opts to pass on the connection more than the possibility that it all works out just fine?

What do you do if you feel a connection to a person who won’t pursue it? There isn’t anything you can do because the person isn’t ready for the relationship - otherwise the person would dive in instead of running away. As stated in the comments pushing the issue doesn’t work, it will most likely make the person retreat further. More work is put into denying it than if the two people just let things naturally run it’s course. If you’ve ever had a connection like that you’ll now what I mean. It just slides into a more intimate territory naturally just like the connection was created. That’s the beauty of those types of romantic connections - when they happen, they are strong and it’s natural just like making love to the person you love. Not acting on it doesn’t make the connection die so it is silly to deny what IS.

This goes back to my last entry: what should be versus what IS. If there is a connection then:

1) Both people feel it.
2) The connection exists. It IS there so ignoring isn’t an option because…
3) The other person knows you’re doing it and when you do that…
4) You’re hurting the person you love/connected to.

The “connection wins” isn’t a valid statement. The connection already “won” because it exists. The person with the insecurity doesn’t realize (or is afraid to believe) the other person is feeling the same thing.

“Love is supposed to start with bells ringing and go downhill from there. But it was the opposite for me. There’s an intense connection between us, and as we stayed together, the bells rang louder.” - Anonymous

Jack meets Jill. Jack and Jill have a platonic relationship, have fun when the go out…really good vibe. One day when Jill mentions she has a date, Jack realizes he’s jealous of her going out with other men. What Jack doesn’t realize is that she felt the same way about Jack (non-platonic feelings) and decided to see other people to help make those “inappropriate” feelings go away. Just hanging out they got to know each other on a different level than if they dated and a connection formed. You can insert a reason why the feelings are “inappropriate” (nothing illegal or immoral now):

Jack is Jill’s best friend’s brother.
Jill is his best friend’s ex-girlfriend.
Jack and Jill work together.
Jack and Jill have different (opposing) religious beliefs and their families would freak out.
Jack lives in Alaska and Jill lives in Aruba.
One of them is rich and the other is poor.
They are complete opposites of each other.

I could go on, but the “inappropriate” feelings go against what normally would be advised on what one “should” do given the circumstance. Jack and Jill never acted on their feelings because acting on them isn’t what they “should” do. If the feelings don’t go away (the circumstance does not change) why does “should be” overrides “what is” - the current situation?

Who gives a damn about what “should be”? Seriously, how can what SHOULD BE (but isn’t) override what IS? The key in this scenario is that Jack and Jill didn’t act on their feelings and the feelings didn’t go away. That makes them (the feelings) real - they endure time. It’s not impulse, it’s not foolish emotion - so why not act on it?

If your parents want you to be a doctor, you tried going to school to be a doctor but in your heart you want to be an artist, if that desire doesn’t go away why not pursue being an artist? Because it is something you “shouldn’t” do?

If you want to move overseas but you would be leaving family and friends behind (you are advised you “shouldn’t” move out of the country because you would be alone), if you really want to move will the desire go away or will the desire get stronger? If it continues to get stronger won’t you become miserable if you don’t try?

If you try the relationship/being an artist/relocating/insert-whatever-circumstance-here and it doesn’t work out, you tried. You pursued it. You fulfilled a goal. You most likely learned something. Probably had some good times. The truth: the other situation wasn’t working either so what is there to lose?

The Two Coreys have a lot of “should be” crap going on between them that conflicts with what “is”. When I thought about it more, don’t we all have that to some degrees in our lives?

The question is: why do we let it stay that way?