The Connection
In the previous entry the discussion came up about having a connection with another person. A commenter said:
The connection eventually wins out Tyme. I cannot speak for the ladies but men crave the connection. When we get it we might hesitate for a while but the connection does eventually win.
Let’s talk about a “connection” for a minute. First, let’s define a connection:
- the act or state of connecting.
- the state of being connected.
- association; relationship
A connection isn’t one sided. If there is a connection both people feel it.
Whaaa?
Yeah, I said it. Connections aren’t one sided. If a man has a connection with a woman it is because…
wait. for. it…
The woman has a connection with him as well.
Which is why “the connection always wins because men crave it” statement makes no sense. If the man feels a connection with a woman he’s already in the door, she has a connection to him as well. If he opts out in acting on it, then he is essentially closing the connection and the door to the relationship. There isn’t much she can do if the guy ignores the connection.
Because it takes two to tango.
The flip happens as well where the woman might opt to not pursue things. Men aren’t always at fault, just most of the time. 
My point: if a guy feels a connection to a woman most likely she feels a connection as well. If he knows when she’s upset, frustrated, happy, etc. she most likely can sense the same things in him. If he’s thinking she’s hot she’s probably thinking the same in return. If he’s desiring her like no other she’s probably desiring him as well. If he’s crying on the inside how can someone with a connection be happy? That’s what makes it a connection: being “connected” they can go through just about anything together because breaking the connection doesn’t feel right. They always find their way back to each other no matter how much pain, frustration, etc. they overcome (how else do couples get to “death do us part?”).
And that is where the problem lies with the person who opts not to act on the connection no matter what the reasoning is. The gut reaction should be to hold on to the connection not dismiss it because a connection like that might not ever come again. There is no reason not to act on the connection. True all connections/relationships don’t last forever but nothing in this life does. Treasure the good times and see where it goes. That’s the real question: is the reason why the person opts to pass on the connection more than the possibility that it all works out just fine?
What do you do if you feel a connection to a person who won’t pursue it? There isn’t anything you can do because the person isn’t ready for the relationship - otherwise the person would dive in instead of running away. As stated in the comments pushing the issue doesn’t work, it will most likely make the person retreat further. More work is put into denying it than if the two people just let things naturally run it’s course. If you’ve ever had a connection like that you’ll now what I mean. It just slides into a more intimate territory naturally just like the connection was created. That’s the beauty of those types of romantic connections - when they happen, they are strong and it’s natural just like making love to the person you love. Not acting on it doesn’t make the connection die so it is silly to deny what IS.
This goes back to my last entry: what should be versus what IS. If there is a connection then:
1) Both people feel it.
2) The connection exists. It IS there so ignoring isn’t an option because…
3) The other person knows you’re doing it and when you do that…
4) You’re hurting the person you love/connected to.
The “connection wins” isn’t a valid statement. The connection already “won” because it exists. The person with the insecurity doesn’t realize (or is afraid to believe) the other person is feeling the same thing.
“Love is supposed to start with bells ringing and go downhill from there. But it was the opposite for me. There’s an intense connection between us, and as we stayed together, the bells rang louder.” - Anonymous
Related posts:
Cool Guy Says:
Tyme you’re implying that the effort we go to hiding our feelings doesn’t work if a connection exists.
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Tyme White Says:
I’m sorry, I must has have not been clear. Let’s try again. If a connect is real, both people feel it. You aren’t hiding anything. Is that better?
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Cool Guy Says:
But you hear about the guy confessing his feelings and the woman doesn’t feel the same way. The man thought there was a connection. I think that is what people fear. The what if I am wrong embarrassment.
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
MoPimpin Says:
She knows. Why did I check your site before I went out. She knows?
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Kelly Strom Says:
Cool Guy if there is a solid connection there is a bond. Hard to put into words because I think each relationship is different but you just “know”. That’s where that saying comes from, how do you know you’re in love? You just “know”. It’s the connection. It’s scary at first because the feelings can be intense and they do not go away.
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Gwen Says:
I didn’t think of that but I think you are right Kelly. You know because of the bond.
Cool Guy everyone at some point in their lives experiences having feelings for someone that is not returned or you have to coax, convince, pray, explain the value in being with you. That’s not a connection. With a connection it’s not necessarily easy but you won’t have to convince her to be with you, she already is.
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Jermaine D. Says:
Hard to admit but it is true. The connected person knows of the connection. I won’t deny I’m creeped out now because I realize the woman I called myself secretly loving for months most likely knows it. I can tell from her actions. She’s still around because she shares my feelings. What the fuck do I say to her now?
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Kelly Strom Says:
Do what comes natural and don’t fight your feelings. Flirt with her and she will flirt back. You have to let her know it is okay for her to show her feelings for you.
Posted on June 27th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
SuperMan Says:
I got drunk and called her. Told her everything. I don’t remember what I said or much of what happened that night. I remember her saying she loved my crazy ass. The next day I could tell she was wondering if I remembered anything. I didn’t mention love but I flirted with her and she flirted back double time. Things moved quick after that. We didn’t say I love you for at least two months after that.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Marquee Says:
Cool Guy: When you have a connection with a woman and she has one with you, you’ll get mad at each other, hurt each other and it might seem as you don’t like each other at times. But you’ll always love each other. You don’t like what the person does but your love for her and her for you will always be there.
Compare that to the woman who gets mad and won’t talk to you. Or won’t have sex with you. Or breaks up with you.
See the difference?
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Leslie Moore Says:
Tyme you setting us up for a ton of Twitter entries aren’t you? Two love entries in a row? We’re fucked. :=(
I recently read a magazine article about this. When two people have a bond between them not nurturing it can hurt them both. In the example the couple stagnated their lives. When they first met their lives were ok, while the feelings developed their lives excelled, when they realized they had romantic feelings for each other one panicked and ran. Both of their lives went stagnant and the female (being denied) went backwards. Career, social life, everything for the both of them. One a lark they acted on their feelings and due to them working as a team their situations improved. Maybe because they were happier.
Marquee you are so right. Logically it is stupid to run from a connection. It is like running in quicksand. But when you’re in that position and you can’t express yourself it seems like the only option.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Emo Says:
A connection isn’t one sided. If there is a connection both people feel it.
Does the dude/girl hiding their feelings know their bonded person knows how they feel or do they think they are getting away with something? I mean, if I like a girl but I’m afraid of screwing it up am I hiding it because I think she doesn’t knows how I feel and my secret is safe or am I shutting her out because I don’t think it will work out? She doesn’t feel the same way? Been drinking so I hope this makes sense.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 12:58 am
Henry Says:
Guys think the can get away with anything. I didn’t think of her knowing how I felt and was okay with it. Worse, she probably let me know she was okay and I didn’t react right.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 3:00 am
Meghan Says:
How can you tell if he feels the same way and is hiding his feelings or doesn’t feel the same way?
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 6:03 am
Charles Says:
I read your words. Started sweating. Took a couple of drinks. Called her. Flirted with her. She flirted back. She’s really happy. I asked her what she’s doing tonight, she said whatever I’m doing. I feel like an idiot because I wasted months for nothing. It was that freaking easy.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Shawn O. Says:
I read your shit before I went out last night. When I looked in her eyes I knew she knew. I didn’t see it before but it was in her eyes. Next slow song I asked her to dance. Never danced with her on a slow song before. She melted in my arms. Diablo 3 was announced this weekend too. It’s ALL good.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Kristy Says:
Thankful I didn’t read this before I went out last night. I feel stupid because a connection does that two people not just my one sided feelings. I’m not sure if he feels the same way. Sigh.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Marek Says:
My girl is online. I don’t know how it happened. My feelings for her appeared. She tried to tell me how she felt but I didn’t think it was right, she’s not local. I still dig her. Sense I rejected her I guess it is up to me to make things right.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Valerie W. Says:
I’m there too. Afraid of messing things up to express how I feel. If I knew for sure he felt the same way I would. There is a lot on the line if I’m wrong.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Tyme White Says:
And ya’ll teased me!! Ought to be ashamed of yourselves. At least I express my feelings.
I’m curious: if you want to be with someone how is that supposed to happen if the other person has no clue how you truly feel? If one tries to hide or surpress it, that’s what happens right? The other person is clueless.
Worse scenario, the other person has a pretty good idea how you feel but also knows you are trying to hide it. How can you end up with that person who knows how you feel if you’re the one holding everything up?
How can you become the person he/she will always come to first, confide in, etc. if he/she doesn’t know you feel it is okay for him/her to do that?
How can the platonic person get in your bed if he/she doesn’t know they belong their?
I can ask these questions all day.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Felix Says:
LMBAO Tyme is gloating. Must be a Diablo 3 high lol. Tyme you told him/them but I bet he/them took it as you meaning “as a friend”.
Tyme: I love you
She meant: I LOVE you
He thinks: She means as a friend
Tyme said: Damn, you’re hot
She meant: I want you
He thinks: She means if I wasn’t the platonic friend I’m passible.
Tyme: I don’t know what I would do with out you
She meant: it literally
He thinks: She means because I’m a good friend.
See Tyme? I can put a platonic spin on just about anything. That’s why men don’t react because the guy isn’t 100% sure.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Arlene Says:
I want a Tim video. That was off the chain. Something I can look at when we’re going through tough times, happy times, and it lasts forever. I want that. Bad.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Bride2Be Says:
I’m getting married in a couple of months. Too late for me. Good luck to the ladies, I hope you get your video.
“Most guys like to think they have game and I consider myself a dangerous person but being around her I’m not dangerous anymore. She’s my drug. She’s my poison.”
Yes, I have it memorized. I watched it that many times.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Emo Says:
A video instead of seeing him say it live? I will never understand women.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Bride2Be Says:
Did you see the video? It’s about a scenario that happens between two fictitious people who have strong feelings for each other meeting for the first time and how the guy feels about the girl. It’s about something happening in the future. In this discussion it would be two people who are connected and the guy is telling the girl how he hopes their first “romantic” night would be and how he feels for her.
Too late for me but I can’t imagine what I would feel hearing my fiance say words like that. It’s too beautiful to describe.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Tyme White Says:
@Felix: Hey, I said it! Not my fault if it’s twisted into something I didn’t mean. Vindicated!
@Arlene: You and every other woman in the world that saw the video.
@Bride2Be: Many women have that video memorized - the parts that appealed to them most.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Penelope Says:
It is exhausting trying to hide my feelings. Watching how I react to what he says, what I say, not saying too much. It is very tiring and frustrating not being able to express what I feel.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Frank M. Says:
Theoretically you are correct, a connection takes two people. Theoretically, that means both people share similar feelings. My brain does not want to process that the feelings I thought were one way aren’t. I’m happy she possibly feels the same way. I feel kind of dumb though because I remember things she said and I took the friend route when it wasn’t what she meant.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Mindy Says:
I’m in this situation now. I know he’s into me but I have a major interference. A friend with benefits who wants him too. Any time he and I have an argument he trots off to her. I don’t try to take things further because I don’t feel like he’s all in with me because of her. If we have a difference of opinion his insecurities kick in I think.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Kelly Strom Says:
Mindy think of it like this. You have a connection with him.
He wants you.
You want him.
Other woman wants him.
He wants you.
Why is this other woman there? One of you are being played for a complete idiot. How do you know it isn’t you? How can you have a connection if he runs to another woman instead of fixing things with you?
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Felix Says:
He wants you.
You want him.
Other woman wants him.
He wants you.
That isn’t going to work. Find out what he gets from her that he isn’t getting from you and give it to him. Every situation has a solution. Maybe the two of you need to compromise.
I’m happy she possibly feels the same way. I feel kind of dumb though because I remember things she said and I took the friend route when it wasn’t what she meant.
Look at the bright side. You mis-communicated over something positive not negative.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Julia Says:
A video instead of seeing him say it live? I will never understand women.
Scrivs’ emotions was what made the video so enticing. He was thinking about his dream girl and would become so caught up he drifted off. Every girl I showed it to had the same reaction, wondering what it would be like to have her own video. When our boyfriends anger us that’s when the video comes in handy, to remember those feelings.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Aaron Says:
Scrivs gave excellent advice in the classic Tim video. Love is a verb not a noun, it’s an action. When two people stop connecting it is because they aren’t taking the action to do something, usually the guys. Show your woman you love her. Something like that, I think I’m close on the paraphrasing.
Mindy if your man was showing you he loves you he wouldn’t run to another woman. If you saw the video the ladies that watched it pointed out to me that Scrivs made sure the dream woman was secure and safe to be in the moment, to love him as he loves her. That kind of security cannot come if another woman is involved. I think that is why it came up, the insecurities are overridden by the love.
A connection is between two people. Sure each person is aware of the love but a powerful love can be scary at first. Guess the couple just has to take the jump.
Posted on June 28th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Mark H. Says:
Love isn’t logical and that’s why as humans we do stupid things. Why hide our feelings from the people we love if we want them closer in our lives?
Posted on June 29th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Joseph Says:
In high school I lost a girl because I was too afraid to tell her how I felt. I saw her in college and she said she had the biggest crush on me but I wasn’t into her. I died inside. That day I decided I prefer to lose a girl telling her how I feel and she says no over me being to afraid of her saying no. The girls I’m really into, the ones I feel a connection with said yes. They always did things a woman who wasn’t emotionally caught up wouldn’t do.
Posted on June 29th, 2008 at 7:33 am
George Says:
Most people have a hard time getting over the first hump. Some people hide their feelings and other blurt it out too quickly.
Connections are rare, obsessions are not. A crush on a celebrity isn’t a connection. A connection is a relationship.
Posted on June 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Meg Says:
I loved that video! It’s a moment that deep down I think most people want to experience. That moment cannot be achieved by hiding your feelings. The video was all about expressing emotions not hiding them.
Easier said than done but worth it with the right person.
Posted on June 29th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
sunflower Says:
ccrivs said in the tim video that it was a connection he and the future female share. scrivs and tyme talked about it too. a connection is two-sided.
Posted on June 30th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Justin O. Says:
In my case I didn’t think our relationship would work out. It was hard but I didn’t try anything not because of our feelings. I know she loves me and I love her but there is a lot she doesn’t know that she would find out if she was my girl. Would she love me then?
Posted on June 30th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Charmyn Says:
Justin are you sure she doesn’t know some of it or worse thinks something worse is going on than actually did? Women tend to be less than optimistic when it comes to situations like this. Worse case: she thinks you don’t want her or you love her but don’t feel she’s good enough for you. Is anything you did worse than that?
Posted on June 30th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Foreman Says:
Justin are you sure she doesn’t know some of it or worse thinks something worse is going on than actually did?
Women will take the worse route over the better route. She might be thinking something worse than what you actually did but because she loves you forgave you.
Posted on June 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Marquite V. Says:
“Scrivs gave excellent advice in the classic Tim video. Love is a verb not a noun, it’s an action. When two people stop connecting it is because they aren’t taking the action to do something, usually the guys. Show your woman you love her. Something like that, I think I’m close on the paraphrasing.”
I watched his video so many times I still remember it. The girl was safe to feel and get lost in the moment, a moment they were both going to share. Scrivs was so tired of hearing “take the jump” but that’s what we’re talking about here months later.
“Connections are rare, obsessions are not. A crush on a celebrity isn’t a connection. A connection is a relationship.”
A connection IS a relationship. The two people are already in one. Why restrict it?
Posted on June 30th, 2008 at 2:14 pm