Tyme Said

“What is “real” love like?”

Yes, she asked her single mother this.

So I thought about my “real” love. It was awesome. I realized that I had an inaccurate expectation of what love is. I had this idea that when you were falling in love, it is a profound, knock yourself on the head, you will know when it happens type of thing.

I was so wrong.

For me, it just happened. I was not looking for it, it dropped it my lap. I have never connected with a man like that before. It started off innocent enough, we clicked. The more we talked the more we clicked - it was like we were soul mates. I would find myself saying things I would never say to anyone. An example, if someone asks me how I am I could be half-way dead and I will say “Fine” or “I’m ok, how are you?” With him, if he asked me how I was, I would just say what it was. I was irritated, angry, frustrated, whatever - but you know what? Whatever I was feeling disappeared when I heard his voice. I would instantaneously get happy.

I will never forget the sound of his voice, his smile, the expressions in his eyes, the way he walks - it is embedded in my mind. I honestly desired no man but him. He was the one I wanted to experience life with. He was the one I wanted to grow with, learn new things with. His heart was precious to me and I wanted to carefully hold on to it and love him.

I never expected love to be so easy. We didn’t have to work at it, it just happened. Everyday it would get stronger and stronger. We would do the right thing simply because it felt right, not because we had to think about it. I could feel his love in his actions - he didn’t have to say it. There were times when I could feel him thinking about me and I know he could feel me thinking about him. I could feel when he was frustrated. I could feel when he was tired. Unfortunately there were times I would feel these things and I thought it was directed at me. Whatever was wrong I wanted to make it better. I wanted him to be happy.

There was a hard part - being a way from him as much as I was. In my heart, I would do whatever it took to make it so our chaotic lives would slow down so we could spend more time together. I would patiently wait because he was so worth waiting for. That didn’t mean that I didn’t miss him, that I didn’t want to spend more time with him. I didn’t pressure him because I knew there were things he needed to take care of.

Whatever he needed, if it was within my power, it was his. I am not talking about monetary things, that is easy to give. I wanted to be there emotionally as well. A shoulder for him to lean on. I knew he would never take advantage of it. He was not one to complain or ask for anything, so if he requested something and I could do it, it got done. One time he asked for something and although we talked about it, he honestly never thought I would do it. So he changed his mind. I was furious and because I couldn’t understand why he would request something and then change his mind. It wasn’t an easy request and I went to a lot of trouble to honor it. What he didn’t realize (before I did it) was that I loved him so much that whatever he asked for was his.

Oh, but he knew I loved him. He told me that not only did I love him as a person, I was falling in love with him. I agreed that I loved him as a person but falling in love? I would know if that was happening. He would laugh and say “It’s ok, I will be there to catch you when you fall.” I would laugh with him but I just knew he was wrong because I would know such a thing. He knew me well but he saw what I didn’t see. He was conscious of what has happening. It was so natural for me I didn’t realize the power of it until it ended. I prefer to go through endless childbirth with no pain relief than go through that type of pain again. I missed him terribly and I don’t think it will ever go away completely.

In honesty, there were things I just “knew” about him as well. Things he probably preferred I didn’t know. That’s the drawback of having a connection like that I suppose.

Can you imagine feeling loved each and everyday? There was an energy that just emerged from him. No matter what I knew he was there for me if it was in his power to do so. I had no doubts about that. I did not have rose-colored glasses on. I knew he was not perfect, I knew I was not perfect, I knew we weren’t perfect, I knew we would have problems, I knew there may be some pain, scraps and bumps along the way, but life without him was not an option.

I never experienced a connection like that before and it’s with sadness that I don’t think I ever will again. I think a connection like that is a once in a lifetime thing.

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