What is < what should be?
I’m not sure how Two Coreys ended up on my Tivo but I decided to check out what was their season premiere. I guess last season they fell out and this season they are working on putting their long time friendship back together. Some deep seeded anger and pain seems to be pulling them apart now. Their show sort of paved the way to me thinking about what “is” vs. what “should be”. Let’s see if I can coherently express my thoughts. Since you guys like relationship entries let’s take that as an example (but this could apply to anything).
Jack meets Jill. Jack and Jill have a platonic relationship, have fun when the go out…really good vibe. One day when Jill mentions she has a date, Jack realizes he’s jealous of her going out with other men. What Jack doesn’t realize is that she felt the same way about Jack (non-platonic feelings) and decided to see other people to help make those “inappropriate” feelings go away. Just hanging out they got to know each other on a different level than if they dated and a connection formed. You can insert a reason why the feelings are “inappropriate” (nothing illegal or immoral now):
Jack is Jill’s best friend’s brother.
Jill is his best friend’s ex-girlfriend.
Jack and Jill work together.
Jack and Jill have different (opposing) religious beliefs and their families would freak out.
Jack lives in Alaska and Jill lives in Aruba.
One of them is rich and the other is poor.
They are complete opposites of each other.
I could go on, but the “inappropriate” feelings go against what normally would be advised on what one “should” do given the circumstance. Jack and Jill never acted on their feelings because acting on them isn’t what they “should” do. If the feelings don’t go away (the circumstance does not change) why does “should be” overrides “what is” - the current situation?
Who gives a damn about what “should be”? Seriously, how can what SHOULD BE (but isn’t) override what IS? The key in this scenario is that Jack and Jill didn’t act on their feelings and the feelings didn’t go away. That makes them (the feelings) real - they endure time. It’s not impulse, it’s not foolish emotion - so why not act on it?
If your parents want you to be a doctor, you tried going to school to be a doctor but in your heart you want to be an artist, if that desire doesn’t go away why not pursue being an artist? Because it is something you “shouldn’t” do?
If you want to move overseas but you would be leaving family and friends behind (you are advised you “shouldn’t” move out of the country because you would be alone), if you really want to move will the desire go away or will the desire get stronger? If it continues to get stronger won’t you become miserable if you don’t try?
If you try the relationship/being an artist/relocating/insert-whatever-circumstance-here and it doesn’t work out, you tried. You pursued it. You fulfilled a goal. You most likely learned something. Probably had some good times. The truth: the other situation wasn’t working either so what is there to lose?
The Two Coreys have a lot of “should be” crap going on between them that conflicts with what “is”. When I thought about it more, don’t we all have that to some degrees in our lives?
The question is: why do we let it stay that way?
Related posts:
Charmyn Says:
Easier said than done Tyme. In theory I agree with everything you said. I’d like to live in Europe but every time I bring it up Mom gets teary. One day I will do it.
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Felix Says:
The relationship situation is one I can relate to. My heart being broken can point me in the wrong directions. Guys are notorious at listening to their boys instead of their heart.
Corey Show was a trip! Molested at 14 and dude didn’t say anything? Some friend, huh?
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Charmyn Says:
Molested? Which one? That’s sad to hear.
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Felix Says:
They both were, by different people.
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Curious George Says:
Listening to someone else removes the responsibility. Isn’t it an instance of not picking what seems like the harder choice? A cop out.
I saw the show. They have a lot of people in their business. The manager, wife, Corey telling his friends. Too many people all with opinions wanting to what is best.
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Megan Says:
One day when Jill mentions she has a date, Jack realizes he’s jealous of her going out with other men. What Jack doesn’t realize is that she felt the same way about Jack (non-platonic feelings) and decided to see other people to help make those “inappropriate” feelings go away. Just hanging out they got to know each other on a different level than if they dated and a connection formed.
I wish that would happen to me. That’s real love. It just happens. I had that one time and unfortunately I never found it again. If I had known then what I know now I wouldn’t have wasted one minute.
Listening to someone else removes the responsibility. Isn’t it an instance of not picking what seems like the harder choice? A cop out.
I don’t want to constantly hear about the choice I made by the people in my life. Waiting it out sort of until it works itself out. There are some instances where I am very aggressive but the bigger the fall the more cautious I become.
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Dale Says:
Just hanging out they got to know each other on a different level than if they dated and a connection formed.
That’s when the trouble begins but a true connection doesn’t break, being apart from the person makes it strong if it is real. So does not being a doctor or not moving out of the country. If it is a passing thing it will go away quickly. Months later the feelings are still there? Go for it. How can one not? They are fortunate the feelings are mutual.
Coreys going to marriage counseling is kind of funny but their pain isn’t going away. Deal with it and the anger/frustration. Not being friends won’t make it go away.
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Heather Says:
The wrong outside influences will mess someone up. Seeking advice from people we trust is cool but in the examples you gave the people giving the advice have selfish motives. Don’t move because I’ll miss you. I prefer a doctor over an artist. The relationship example is dumb but it takes two to tango. If one is willing and the other isn’t the relationship stops cold regardless of how strong the feelings are.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Rico Says:
your boys or you girl? sometimes my boys were able to point out whacked shit my girls were doing that i didn’t want to see, but i knew deep down they were no good. dude knows when he has a good woman in his life. his boys might be jealous of that, losing their wing man. the true friends help their boy get the good woman not push her away.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 3:13 am
Kathy Winters Says:
I’d like to have my own business and the advice I was given was that it was too risky. I regret not taking the risk when it was less of a risk. I think some people run from all or nothing situations.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Janice Q. Says:
Tyme I relate to your first example. I looked up and was completely in love with my best male friend. I believed he had feeling for me too because of his reactions to things I said or did. I found out later that his best friend, who I knew, advised him not to start anything with me. IF things went bad our friendship would be over. That hurt me because he put his feelings and insecurities over mine and the potential relationship we could have had.
That’s what it boils down to Tyme, putting an insecurity over reality. If someone wants to be an artist their insecurity about something prompts the holding on to the bad advice. Like Curious George said, it is a cop out.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Larry B. Says:
Good post Tyme. That Corey show had me rewinding tripping on what was said. Both of them were molested. Where were their parents?
The relationship example is a no brainer. Men can’t resist the connection, it’s what we want. What works over sex and makes the sex the best ever. Sex isn’t the way to a man’s heart the connection is. Men cannot resist the connection because men don’t want to.
The career choice is familiar. I don’t regret the decisions I made but it was rough in the beginning. Worth the effort. My family was pissed for awhile. I found if you are success the family and friends come around. :=)
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Rashid Says:
Tyme I can’t speak for the ladies but this is why Jack doesn’t act on it. http://ca.askmen.com/dating/heidi/heidi14b.html
“You’re taking a big risk: you have a lot to lose in the way of friendship. You can’t imagine her not being a part of your life.”
Some is better than nothing.
“I found out later that his best friend, who I knew, advised him not to start anything with me. IF things went bad our friendship would be over. That hurt me because he put his feelings and insecurities over mine and the potential relationship we could have had.”
You ladies would be surprised how many times the guy you were interested in didn’t start anything with you because of what he friends said. Or how often your great relationships tanked because of his friends.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Tyme White Says:
Of course they can. In my example Jack didn’t act on it. So did Jill. I could have made it more complicated - one of them tried to act on it, the other said no. That doesn’t guarantee the feelings will go away. Just like the desire to be an artist (or something other than a doctor) becomes stronger if the person is resisting what comes natural to him/her.
That is why these situations don’t work. Decisions based on insecurities usually don’t work out. Unfortunately I found that insecurities usually win first. It doesn’t matter what you do or how hard you try, a person with insecurities will place their feelings over yours. Gut reaction.
I still have the two episodes of Coreys on the DVR. Drug addiction. Haim said he was molested. Then Feldman said he was molested. Feldman used to cut himself….I literally was standing there with my mouth unhinged wondering why after all this time are they making this public? There are so many people that want a piece of them, have a financial interest in them, that the advice they give isn’t neutral. They need a neutral person (therapist). Actually it’s Haim with all the outside influences (it seems).
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Larry B. Says:
The connection eventually wins out Tyme. I cannot speak for the ladies but men crave the connection. When we get it we might hesitate for a while but the connection does eventually win.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Felix Says:
Larry if the guy isn’t a pussy, sure he’ll reach out to the girl. If he’s a pussy he’ll take being her friend over possibly losing her. Cause he’s a pussy.
Tyme the wristband because he cuts himself shit blew my mind. I wondered if it was a ratings ploy.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Hailey Madison Says:
Larry I don’t agree because I experience a man knowing I returned the feelings and due to the amount of the all or nothing relationship he opted not to act on them. Neither one of were happy for years and the connection is still there. We can’t talk to each other. I tried everything, I told him how I felt, I bent over backwards trying to be what I hoped he needed. He never gave in. It threw everything off. The connection doesn’t always win if the insecurity is greater. Insecurity > connection.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Charmyn Says:
Hailey so did I. He didn’t want to risk our friendship. Not acting on feelings we both knew were there ended up putting a royal dent in it. If you think about it when a man does this he knows he is hurting the woman he has a connection with and he puts his feelings over what she wants and needs. I didn’t even get the opportunity to discuss it. The more it hurt and the more love turned into hate.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Larry B. Says:
If you look back is there a time when the guy might have felt you didn’t want him?
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Hailey Madison Says:
“I tried everything, I told him how I felt, I bent over backwards trying to be what I hoped he needed.”
In my case Larry he knew but didn’t want to risk everything falling apart if things didn’t work out.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Charmyn Says:
Larry: Perhaps at first he might have felt that way. Like Hailey I told him how I felt. Fear won.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Felix Says:
What Larry probably meant: if the guy has any type of balls whatsoever the connection wins. That’s why sex doesn’t work. Sex with a connection is the best. Sex without a connection is just sex. Meaningless.
Tyme, don’t start.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Tyme White Says:
Don’t start what? I didn’t do anything!!!!!
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Felix Says:
You know how you feel about meaningless sex.
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Tyme White Says:
See, you are trying to get me in trouble. I understand completely that a guy can have meaningless sex. I understand that a man can love one woman put have sex with another and it means nothing to him. See Felix, I know!
Posted on June 24th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Allison H. Says:
Funny your article was written before Shel wrote his about Loren. IMO Shel isn’t accepting what is versus what he wants to be. I suppose what it should be. He tried and he sucks at video. That isn’t going to change.
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Valerie W. Says:
For some people it is hard to take a stand, step up to a challenge. I know many people who stay in situations that are not working because they want to avoid confrontation or a possible argument. I do not understand how someone can avoid love because love is a blessing. They probably pay for it dearly in the end.
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Yoshi Says:
How many times has a man wanted to take it to the next level and the woman says, “I don’t want to mess up our friendship?” Since the beginning of time ladies, since the beginning of time.
Larry, Tyme understands the concept of meaningless sex. She doesn’t indulge in it.
Posted on June 25th, 2008 at 1:02 pm