What women want
I’m not a fan of Cribs but I recorded Perez Hilton’s episode out of curiosity. Omarion and TJ Houshmandzadeh were also in the episode. I watched the show with my friends. In case you missed it, here is TJ’s section, this is Omarion’s part and this is Perez’s. It was clear after watching TJ Houshmandzadeh’s part how men and women speak in different languages. Everything was cool with Perez’s and Omarion’s but TJ’s drew a completely different response from the men vs. the women.
The men watched TJ’s part and thought about football, the house, the money, the basketball court, etc. The women were clearly thinking, “I wish I had a guy like that” or “why aren’t you like that?”. Both were thinking about security to a degree but two different forms. The guys felt that if they had the money TJ did the women would be happy. The women were saying the money could be there but if the same behaviors resided it would probably make things worse. Emotional security is more important to them than financial security. Honestly, without emotional security money will make problems worse.
Looking at the video I saw a man that obviously loves his wife and children very much. So much he couldn’t stop talking about them and their personalities were integrated in their home. There isn’t a gray area on his feelings for his wife – his actions match his words. His wife, without a doubt, knows how much he loves her. That is what most women want, they want that type of emotional security. When that type of security is in place their insecurities subside. Wanna watch porn? Sure, I know he loves me. He has female friends? Fine, because he’ll make it clear to them he loves me and keeps it platonic. Traveling? Ok, I know he won’t cheat because our family is too important to him. Going to the club? Sure, he’ll tell the other chicks to step if they do or say something inappropriate.
See, women typically fall in love and become highly vested. The other men get the boot or are told the score, she will pick spending time with her man over others (not necessarily agreeing with this one – that can lead to clingy), won’t cheat, etc. That is why many relationships don’t work out because the two people are on different planes. If there is a need to keep another woman as a backup how can a guy expect the woman he claims to love to trust him? But that is what happens isn’t it? One of the ladies who watched the show went off on her boyfriend because he said he loved her but couldn’t tell a female “friend” of his feeling for her. Um, why not? That’s a problem.
A problem that money would only make worse.
Let’s be clear – everyone has shit in their lives. Things they aren’t proud off, things they need to straighten out, etc. The point in a couple moving forward together is that they can accept each other’s shit and move past it. That’s the difference between someone being there for a season and someone there for a lifetime. Sure, there might be a period of anger that might last a day or two but the point is: the person isn’t going anywhere.
I was having a conversation with someone about the video and the person basically said that money means more and accepting less is a downgrade. For me, I’d be “downgrading” money and upgrading emotional stability. Money didn’t keep my parents together, their parents, none of the people I know that have money but it sure as hell caused them a ton of problems - because the stability wasn’t there in the first place.
For me, I always wanted the money to come AFTER the marriage. I’ve said it many times that I want to build something WITH my future husband so that together, we can look back on what we have (created together) and be proud of what we accomplished. A healthy and happy family outweighs bling to me. Being secure emotionally means 1000x more than bling. I want to go through the struggles with the man I love – it’s a part of life. Unfortunately, most men (let’s be honest, I haven’t met one that didn’t think this yet) think I want to skip past that part to the money, being rich and doing whatever I want part.
I grew up with wealth and I know money can create more problem than it resolves.
No related posts.
What normally happens with me is the boyfriend wanting me to make it clear to everyone I am no longer available. Even changing online profiles. I go through all of that and I find out later on that he had been in close contact with an ex or friends with benefits and she doesn’t know about me, our relationship or even that he has feelings for me. I insist he tell his ex or friends with benefits about me and I want to see it, hear it, etc. because I do not trust he’ll do it on his own. He does it, she doesn’t like it and it proves my point their relationship was a disrespect to our relationship.
Not asking me to be open about the relationship doesn’t solve the problem either because it helps me to continue to have an inappropriate relationship behind my back.
Posted on July 31st, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Men can tell when something is wrong with the women they care about. It makes sense women can tell something is wrong with the men they care about. Tyme busted me every time while I denied something was wrong and attempted to convince her the same. I thought I’d gotten away with it. Then the small “remember the last time” conversation. I still didn’t admit it. I think it took months for me to realize when Tyme asks a question like that, she knows the answer and it is her way of bringing up the conversation to solve it. I found most women would prefer the truth so they can continue to respect and trust their men even if it means pain than a lie that still brings the pain but brings lack of respect and trust towards their boyfriends/husbands. Back then I didn’t view what I did as cowardly. Now I do.
Basketball and football players cheat most of the time. Their wives must have an idea about what is going on.
Posted on July 31st, 2008 at 1:13 am
I understand how women watched the videos and not seeing the problems they deal with everyday TJ appeals to them. All the men in Tyme’s life have the same trait. Complete inability to communicate. Something will happen and instead of coming to Tyme they go to their boys or worse some insignificant woman that doesn’t come close to comparing to Tyme (to the point of being insulting really). Tyme usually instinctively feels it as it is happening, tries to discuss it and receives the response that she’s nuts, over-reacting, nothing is wrong, etc. I don’t know who these guys think they are fooling and I think they believe they got away with it, no harm done. They are very wrong because Tyme knows she’s being lied to but I imagine the most hurtful part is that she has to prove herself over and over again. Her loyalty, her past actions, or the fact the guy fucked up before never are enough. It’s mind boggling because I doubt any of the men detest the female equivalent: a female saying nothing is wrong when something definitely is/was wrong. The difference is that females usually don’t bring another man into the situation which is what men do when they talk to other women isn’t of their girl.
It seems like the women in this discussion experience something similar since they are very focused on TJ being a family man. No gray areas.
Ladies, if a man continues fucking up be glad the next bitch will be the one to deal with the problems, not you. Run, don’t look back. Stop hoping that your man will grow up and act right. Your heart will eventually heal. Same with the fellas, it simply isn’t worth the hassle.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Scrivs thank you for adding perspective.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Both sexes can be scandalous. It’s human nature. Many men trying to do right by the woman he has feelings for have been cruelly broken-hearted. That is why I think it is so important to remember the past but keep the past in the past.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Man love for Scrivs. Let’s talk about what the ladies do for a change!
Athletes are notorious cheats. I don’t know how I’d handle it. I think I would be single for awhile. A long while.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
On the flip side with a man always gone and you know the money is secure what is to keep a woman from doing some ish on the side?!
Can’t trust humans? Date camels.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
“The problem I don’t want are related to the fear that my man is going to walk out the door or isn’t truly down with me because he can’t be honest with the past women in his life.”
Marquee - Me too girl but the truth is that it’s a bad sign. Why can’t he be honest? Cause she’ll be pissed off? Who gives a shit - her feelings shouldn’t come before yours. If she can’t respect the relationship and his choice she should get.the.fuck.out. If he can’t tell her about his feelings for you, you should get.the.fuck.out.
Of course that’s easier to say than do but it is the only real solution.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Monarch - I think you raised me well.
Cedric - That is very true. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. Most times I’m too focused on what I want and what we can do to care about other men or envy someone else’s relationship.
Felix - That is one of those questions where I’d say one thing and the guy would say another I would presume.
Scrivs - That’s a good point. If you knew the money and fame would lead you astray would you take the career/money or keep the devoted wife?
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
And to clarify I’m not hating at all on the man if he is good, just adding a different perspective as to keep the balance of life.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I have an inside source that works in the NFL and from what I gather there is no such thing as a good man there. All that traveling, money and ego leads you astray.
JUST SAYING…
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Cedric and Monarch I agree with what you’ve said. Cedric, I understand that TJ isn’t perfect. I suppose this is what I want:
Dillio did his version of a Jill Scott song. In his version, when his ex was trying to come back into his life, he put her in her place and said he is staying with the woman he loves.
The problem I don’t want are related to the fear that my man is going to walk out the door or isn’t truly down with me because he can’t be honest with the past women in his life. Those are the problems I can do without and from the video it seems like TJ’s wife doesn’t doubt TJ’s commitment - there isn’t any reason to.
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 10:26 am
While possible that a TJ type (devoted to his wife and family) was ignored was it really a TJ type or was it something else? Did the person mess up and in order to keep the relationship together turn into TJ (devoted to the significant other and family) or was he always devoted?
What the ladies want to believe looking at the show was that TJ is so devoted to his wife he wouldn’t cheat on her, flirt with other women inappropriately, lie to her, etc. Let’s say all of that is true. He’d never cheat, tells women to back off, is always honest with her. But what if he is controlling? Being in control of the money his wife feels extremely dependent? He has a horrible temper? What if his true devotion is to his kids and he tolerates his wife?
The grass is never greener on the other side, it only appears to be. The time spent envying what someone else has is better spent working towards what you want. Does anyone ever accomplish anything envying someone else?
Posted on July 30th, 2008 at 8:20 am
I didn’t raise my daughter to evaluate a potential significant other based on their financial status. Money problems arise in the majority of relationships. Being able to overcome problems as they arise is a sign to how strong the relationship is. The financial problems come up at the beginning of the relationship, so what? The sign that a relationship will work is when the couple takes each other by the hand and work things out without a bunch of drama. The sign that someone is accepting you as you are is when a change isn’t necessary for the relationship to get off the ground or last long-term. Instead the person naturally wants to help you become who you want to be (and vice versa).
If a person says “I don’t want to be with you because you are not financially stable” thank the heavens above and move on quickly. If the person bolts at the sign of trouble now, getting to know you or loving you won’t stop them from doing it later. It’s guaranteed he or she will do it later and he or she gave all the signs it would happen. A person is not only weak but stupid to pursue something that clearly won’t work. The guy would have to become financially stable (that takes a while) and the woman would have to accept him for who he is (and most likely she doesn’t know all of the “bad” stuff yet and she’s dodging). A person that would pursue a situation like that is broken and probably has a history of bad decisions.
I didn’t have a TJ. My exes might have thought they were TJs but they were. None of my exes were able to give up their exes. Kept them around just in case.
If a man loves you yet flirts/has sex/etc. with an ex (someone he knows still has lingering feelings for him) it is only a matter of time before you are treated like the ex - used for convenience. Highly doubtful he was honest with his exes and told them he loved you but more important, if he did and continued to flirt that is the utmost disrespect to you. That is not a man to keep, he’s the guy you toss and move on. That type of behavior will do much more damage than financial issues (but could be a root cause as to it).
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I didn’t have a TJ. My exes might have thought they were TJs but they were. None of my exes were able to give up their exes. Kept them around just in case. They were like safety nets. I couldn’t become serious about the relationship with them allowing other women to have hope he would end up with them. That could be me one day.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I never had a man that was focused like that on me. When problems arose they didn’t work with me to fix them.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
“Question: Tyme do you think you had a TJ?”
No.
““All I want is a man like TJ” knowing that most of you women probably had a man like TJ and something fucked it up.”"
Where you a TJ to your men?
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Scrivs he is getting props because he said exactly what women want to hear. I don’t think he did it purposely but he might have been thinking what would make his wife happy and did that.
I was a TJ to two of my ex’s. With those two I bent over backwards but it didn’t work out. I was young back then and we grew apart. One moved to CA for a job and the other was caught up in her new co-workers that there was never personal time for us.
Question: Tyme do you think you had a TJ?
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Hi Scrivs!
I had a TJ but I didn’t know at the time he was a TJ. I didn’t find out until years later when I bumped into him. He casually mentioned he was very into me and I told him I thought he just wanted to be friends so I didn’t tell him I was into him too. He was a very good friend, very kind hearted and loyal. We both felt a little sick for a bit. He was in a long-term relationship at the time but I saw on Facebook they broke up recently. I’m waiting a decent amount of time then I’m going to contact him.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
The ladies in the office were saying that out of the men that appear on Cribs few go the route TJ did playing up the family. That’s why he stood out.
Yes, I laughed because I’ve been a TJ to women that didn’t appreciate it at the time.
I want enough money in the bank to pay the bills, moderate savings and have decent entertainment but not enough to have obvious extras because my family and friends would turn into vultures.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Men: Are any of you wondering how come TJ gets a free play from just what women see of him on TV? I mean they see him on TV with cameras in front of him and think he is the wonderful man. How else should he act with all that shit in front of him? Not saying he isn’t the perfect guy, he seems cool, but how many times have women played the “you are just being like this because…” card on you?
Secondly, how many of you men are reading what these women are saying and laughing your asses off? “All I want is a man like TJ” knowing that most of you women probably had a man like TJ and something fucked it up. Hell, I’m sure the men here have been TJ to a woman and that didn’t work out so it isn’t always like that.
And let’s not kid ourselves, money makes things hard. Less money things can be difficult, but when you are set for life then all you have to focus on is your woman and family that seems like coasting right there.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
“If a man would be dragging a woman down that too is a different picture. However, if the man was like TJ he’d work with his wife/girlfriend to improve the situation making it a moot point. Yet another attraction to TJ.”
That’s a good point Evil. I wouldn’t let his bank statement stop me from loving and eventually marrying him. Together we’d work it out if he was serious about changing his financial situation. That would stop me, if he wanted to continue to have nothing or didn’t have ambition to go after what he wants.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I think there is miscommunication going on. TJ and anyone on cribs has an abundance of wealth. That is a different picture than having enough money to pay the bills. A couple should have enough to pay the bills and have some entertainment money on the side. Maybe they have to budget for a vacation but two educated people can make it even if it means moving to a location that is not inflated. 60,000 (30,000 each and I used a low number on purpose) in TX goes a lot further than in CA. In TX they would be set, in CA they would be broke.
I see women being happy that the bills are paid with a man that clearly loves them and their children than a man with money acting a fool (like Omarion) trying to be the player, not telling the friends with benefits bitches to leave, etc. To them money means more bitches, more leeches, more stupid friends, etc.
The ladies in the office enjoyed the video and have a crush on TJ because of his love for his wife and kids. Not because he’s a basketball player and rich. His devotion to his wife and family made him sexy to them. Some wouldn’t mind being married to a rich man but that is unrealistic to them.
If a man would be dragging a woman down that too is a different picture. However, if the man was like TJ he’d work with his wife/girlfriend to improve the situation making it a moot point. Yet another attraction to TJ.
In my office TJ can’t lose because he has the traits that appeal to a female regardless of how fucked up he is. The ladies think they can work through it and that’s why they are attracted to men like him. Same thing as how the ugly guy gets the gorgeous woman. It’s not his looks, its his personality. He treats her the way she wants to be treated.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 11:36 am
TJ’s house isn’t tricked out like some. Look at Omarion’s. His house doesn’t look like it fits his personality, except the love tub and the rooms for sex and seduction. How many women did he say those lines to?
Watching TJ’s video I enjoyed seeing a man so close to his family. I never heard of him before but I respect TJ for the qualities I saw in the video until I come across something to contradict them.
Posted on July 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am